K F C Original Recipe Chicken...11 Herbs and spices.

1 whole chicken, cut into pieces
3 beaten eggs
4 tablespoons oil

FOR THE COATING:
2 cups flour
4 teaspoons paprika
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
2 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon poultry seasoning
1 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon tarragon
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1/2 teaspoon onion salt
1/2 teaspoon celery salt

Directions:
1.Sift together all the coating ingredients and place in a clean plastic bag. Coat each chicken piece first with the beaten egg, then with the flour mixture in the bag. Make sure you coat each piece completely with the flour.
2.Heat the oil in a skillet. Brown the chicken in oil slowly, uncovered. Once browned, cover the skillet and keeping frying on a very gentle heat until the chicken is fully cooked. Place on paper towels to drain out the excess oil.

Knock-You-Naked Brownies

Ingredients :

1 stick butter, melted, plus more for greasing
All-purpose flour, for dusting
1/3 plus 1/2 cup evaporated milk
One 18.5-ounce box German chocolate cake mix (I use Duncan Hines)
1 cup finely chopped pecans
60 caramels, unwrapped
1/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup powdered sugar, sifted

Directions :

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 9-by-9-inch baking pan.

Begin by pouring 1/3 cup evaporated milk into a bowl with the cake mix. Add the melted butter and the chopped pecans. Mix the ingredients together; it'll be pretty thick!

Divide the dough in half down the middle. Press half of it into the bottom of the prepared pan to make the first brownie layer. Bake until slightly set, 8 to 10 minutes. Then remove from the oven and set aside.

While the brownie layer is baking, in a double boiler (or glass bowl set over a bowl of simmering water) combine the caramels and the remaining 1/2 cup evaporated milk. Stir occasionally until the caramels are totally melted and the mixture is smooth. Pour the caramel mixture over the first baked layer, spreading so it's evenly distributed. Sprinkle the chocolate chips all over the top.

Next, on a clean surface or a sheet of waxed paper, press the remaining dough into a square shape slightly smaller than the baking pan. Carefully set it on top of the chocolate chips. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes. Remove the pan from the oven and let the brownies cool to room temperature. Cover the pan and refrigerate the brownies for several hours to allow them to set.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ree-drummond/knock-you-naked-brownies-recipe.html?ic1=obnetwork

Pass The Butter

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow colouring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavourings....
DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams; compared to 5 grams for margarine.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few and only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavours of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years .
And now, for Margarine..
Very High in Trans fatty acids.
Triples risk of coronary heart disease ...
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five times..
Lowers quality of breast milk
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC... and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT.
These facts alone were enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
Open a tub of margarine and leave it open in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will notice a couple of things:

* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)


* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.

Why? Because it is nearly plastic . Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Banana Bread Bars

Ingredients:
Banana Bread Bars:
1-1/2 c. sugar
1 c. sour cream
1/2 c. butter, softened
2 eggs
1-3/4 (3 or 4) ripe bananas, mashed
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 c. all purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
3/4 tsp. salt
1/2 c. chopped walnuts (optional)

Brown Butter Frosting:
1/2 c. butter
4 c. powdered sugar
1-1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
3 tbsp. milk


1. Heat oven to 375F. Grease and flour
15x10-inch jelly roll pan. For the bars, in
a large bowl, beat together sugar, sour
cream, butter, and eggs until creamy.
Blend in bananas and vanilla extract. Add
flour, baking soda, salt, and blend for 1
minute. Stir in walnuts.
2. Spread batter evenly into pan. Bake 20
to 25 minutes or until golden brown.
3. Meanwhile, for frosting, heat butter in
a large saucepan over medium heat until
boiling. Let the butter turn a delicate
brown and remove from heat
4. Add powdered sugar, vanilla extract
and milk. Whisk together until smooth (it
should be thicker than a glaze but thinner
than frosting). Using a spatula, spread
the brown butter frosting over the warm
bars (the frosting will be easier to spread
while the bars are still warm).

RESURRECTION ROLLS

Recipe and Instructions for Easter Rolls that tell the true meaning of Easter

which is the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.
This is an inspiring family project that can be done on Easter Morning.
...
Ingredients needed:
Crescent rolls
Melted butter
Large Marshmallows
Cinnamon
Sugar
Preheat Oven to 350 degrees
Give each child one triangle of crescent rolls.
Explain that he crescent roll represents the cloth that Jesus was wrapped in.
Read Matthew 27: 57-61

1. Give each child a marshmallow.
This represents Jesus.

2. Have him/her dip the marshmallow in melted butter.
This represents the oils of embalming.

3. Now dip the buttered marshmallow in the cinnamon and sugar.
This represents the spices used to anoint the body.

4. Then wrap up the coated marshmallow tightly in the crescent roll (not like a typical crescent roll up, but bring the sides up and seal the marshmallow inside.)
This represents the wrapping of Jesus' body after death.

5. Place all in a 350 degree oven for 10-12 minutes.
The oven represents the tomb--while you are waiting for the rolls to bake, read Matthew 27:62-66.

6. Remove rolls from oven and let them cool slightly.
Now the children can then open their rolls (cloths) and discover that Jesus is no longer there! HE IS RISEN!!!!
(The marshmallow melts and the crescent roll is puffed up, but empty.)

~ Now read Matthew 28:1-10

Enjoy your warm rolls as you rejoice at the good news of Easter!

Texas Recipes : Sex in a Pan

Ingredients

Crust:
1 cup pecans, chopped
3 tbsp white sugar
1/2 cup butter
1 cup flour

Cream cheese layer:
1 8 oz package cream cheese
1 cup powdered sugar
1 cup whipped cream or cool whip

Vanilla pudding layer:
1 package of instant vanilla pudding (5.1 oz or 144 g)
3 cups milk

Chocolate Pudding layer:
1 package of instant chocolate pudding (5.1 oz or 144 g)
3 cups milk

Last layer:
2 cups whipped cream or cool whip
shaved chocolate

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 F degrees.

Spray a 9×13 inch baking dish with cooking spray.

In a mixer mix all the crust ingredients together and press the mixture into the prepared baking dish.
Bake it for about 20 minutes.

Prepare the vanilla pudding as per the instructions on the package.

Prepare the chocolate pudding as per the instructions on the package.

In a mixer add the cream cheese, powdered sugar and the cup of whipped cream. Mix until light and fluffy.

Let the crust cool. Spread the cream cheese mixture over the crust evenly.

Spread the chocolate pudding over the creme cheese filling, then the vanilla pudding over the chocolate.

Top with the whipped cream and sprinkle with the chocolate.
Refrigerate for a couple hours so that it sets.

Interesting fact about where the name Google came from

GOOGOL
1.0 × 10¹⁰⁰

A googol is a 1 with 100 zeros after it. A googolplex is a 1 with a googol zeros after it.
 
A googol is the large number 10¹⁰⁰; that is, the digit 1 followed by 100 zeroes:

10,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000,­000

The term was coined in 1938 by 9-year-old Milton Sirotta, nephew of American mathematician Edward Kasner. Kasner popularized the concept in his 1940 book Mathematics and the Imagination.

Sean [Anderson] and Larry [Page] were in their office, trying to think up a good name — something that related to the indexing of an immense amount of data. Sean verbally suggested the word “googolplex,” and Larry responded verbally with the shortened form, “googol.” Sean was seated at his computer terminal, so he executed a search of the Internet domain name registry database to see if the newly suggested name was still available for registration and use. Sean is not an infallible speller, and he made the mistake of searching for the name spelled as “google.com,” which he found to be available.

Ants be gone!

Do you have an ant problem, inside or out... This will get rid of them... Save on your time line by hitting share and you will always have for future reference..
Ant Killer

What's so cool about this is, it took them 2 minutes to find it and 5 minutes to fill up like the pic ! Wow

1 empty water bottle
(Cut it down to about 2" tall)
5 Tbsp of baking soda
5 Tbsp of powdered sugar
3 Tbsp of water.

The very best way of eliminating ants is truly simple:

Take a small amount of powdered sugar (also called icing sugar) and mix it with an equal amount of baking soda (formally called sodium bicarbonate) and water.
Powdered sugar is essential. You cannot use the larger grains of sugar for this..

Mix the two powders together and then place small amounts against the walls or other areas where you would not normally walk but where you would normally see the ants.

The ants will be attracted to the sugar and will eat some of it and collect more to take home to feed others, so all of them will get their share.

The sugar and baking soda powders are similar in size and, once mixed together, the ants cannot separate the two items, so, as they eat the sugar, they will also ingest the baking soda, which they would otherwise never touch. This is the reason for using powdered sugar.

Once the ants eat the baking soda it will react with the formic acid in their stomachs and cause gas. The bodies of ants are unlike humans and they cannot eliminate gas so it will build up inside and eliminate them.

Do you have an ant problem, inside or out... This will get rid of them... Save on your time line by hitting share and you will always have for fut

Apple Braid

For the Apple Filling:
3 medium-size Granny Smith apples
3 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons lemon juice

For the Bread:
(note: before you panic about making bread, I have done this recipe using Pillsbury Crescent Roll Dough that I simply roll out & pinch the seams closed and then proceed with the slicing - so if you don't want to make bread dough - try this shortcut!)
2 1/2 cups bread flour
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon instant yeast (I prefer SAF Instant Yeast)
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup warm water
2 1/4 teaspoons vegetable oil

For the Glaze:
1/3 cup confectioner’s sugar, sifted
5 teaspoons whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Pinch of kosher salt
Pinch of nutmeg

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Make the Apple Filling: Peel, core, and slice the apples into thin slices, then cut the slices in half. Toss the apple pieces with the sugar, cinnamon, and lemon juice. Bake the apple filling in an 8-inch square baking pan (or 9-inch pie tin) for 15 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside. (Note: Do not turn the oven off at this point. You will be using it to bake the finished braid.)

Make the Bread: While the apple filling is baking, begin preparing the bread dough. Mix the dry ingredients together in a large mixing bowl. Add the water and oil and mix the dough for 6 minutes using an electric mixer on medium-high speed.

Spray a smooth clean surface with cooking spray and turn the dough out onto the surface. Knead the dough briefly to give it a smooth surface (this will only take several turns of the dough to accomplish). Spray a rolling pin with cooking spray and roll the dough out into a large rectangle, about 12-inches by 16-inches in size. Lift onto a greased baking sheet.

Using a pizza cutter or sharp knife, cut each side into strips about 1-inch wide down each side, leaving the center third of the dough uncut. Spread the apple filling down the middle third of the dough. Fold strips of dough into the center, crisscrossing the filling by alternating strips from each side. Lightly press ends to seal, and straighten out the braid with your hands, if necessary, to straighten.

Bake the braid in the oven for 25 minutes, or until golden brown. Remove from the oven and let the braid cool for several minutes.

Make the Glaze: Whisk together the glaze ingredients in a small bowl until blended and smooth.
Brush the glaze in a thick coat over the entire surface of the apple braid while it is still cooling. Carefully transfer the braid to a cooling rack set on a baking sheet (to catch drips) to finish cooling and prevent the bottom of the braid from becoming soggy from sitting in any pooling glaze. Slice and serve.

Old folk love

Mom's Favorite Sayings

1) What part of No don't you understand?
2) I don't care who started it.
3) Wait until your father gets home.
4) Your face is going to freeze like that.
5) No one said life was fair.
6) Go to your room.
7) Beds are for sleeping not jumping.
8) Eat your vegetables.
9) "I don't know" is not an answer.
10) Because I said so that's why.

How many others do you have?

5 min No Bake Cheesecake

NO BAKE CHEESECAKE

Ingredients
370g cream cheese (room temp – this is important!)
400g tin of sweetened condensed milk
250ml thickened cream
1/3 cup of lemon or lime juice.

In a mixing bowl, mix the cream cheese to get most of the lumps out. Then add the other ingredients, making sure the juice is added last. The reaction of the citrus juice will start to set your mixture almost immediately. 

On the low speed of your hand mixer, blend well until all ingredients are incorporated. Immediately pour mixture into pre-prepared crust. 

Refrigerate for 1 – 1 ½ hours.
For the crust take 250g of your favorite plain biscuits and crush well. Stir in 125g of melted butter and press into the base of a lined spring-form tin.

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

CROCKPOT GUMBO

Ingredients:

3 tablespoons flour
3 tablespoons oil
1/2 pound smoked sausage, cut into 1/2 inch slices
2 cups frozen cut okra
1 large onion, chopped
1 large green bell pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon ground red cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 can (14.5 ounce size) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 package (12 ounce size) frozen shelled deveined cooked medium shrimp, rinsed
1 1/2 cup uncooked regular long-grain white rice
3 cups water

Directions:

In small saucepan, combine flour and oil; mix well. Cook, stirring constantly, over medium-high heat for 5 minutes.This is your Roux. Reduce heat to medium; cook, stirring constantly, about 10 minutes or until mixture turns reddish brown. Place flour-oil mixture in 3 1/2 to 4 quart Crockpot.

Stir in all remaining ingredients except shrimp, rice and water. Cover; cook on low setting for 7-9 hours. When ready to serve, cook rice in water as directed on package. Meanwhile, add shrimp to gumbo mixture in crockpot; mix well. Cover; cook on low setting for additional 20 minutes. Serve gumbo over rice.

Yuck-Yuck Time

When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!

Letter to husband

My darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Snickers Fudge

Ingredient List:
First Layer:
1 cup milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup butterscotch chips
1/4 cup peanut butter
Second Layer:
4 tablespoons butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup evaporated milk
1 1/2 cups marshmallow creme
1/4 cup peanut butter
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups chopped salted peanuts
Third Layer:
14 ounce package caramel cubes
1/4 cup heavy cream
Fourth Layer:
1 cup milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup butterscotch chips
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter

First Layer Prep:
Lightly spray 9×13 baking pan with cooking spray.
Over medium heat, melt milk chocolate chips, peanut butter, and butterscotch chips in small saucepan.
Stir together until completely melted and smooth, then pour into the baking pan. Spread the mixture evenly with a spatula, then refrigerate until set.

Second Layer Prep:
Melt butter over medium-high heat in saucepan.
Add sugar and evaporated milk and bring to boil.
Cook for 5 minutes, stirring constantly.
Remove from the heat and quickly mix in marshmallow creme, peanut butter, and vanilla.
Add peanuts to mixture and spread evenly over chocolate layer.
Refrigerate until set.

Third Layer Prep:
Melt caramels and heavy cream over low heat until smooth.
Pour over peanut mixture and refrigerate until set.

Fourth Layer Prep:
Repeat step one.
Melt chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, and peanut butter over low heat until smooth.
Pour over caramel layer and refrigerate for at least one hour before cutting.

Yuck-Yuck Time

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Diary of a Snow Shoveler .. oldie but goodie

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
Disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the Freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I Think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Man I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the guy is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6" more. Snow is packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-b*&^% who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his testicles and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Damn snowplow.

December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Man, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a freaking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The B*&^% is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his backside. The wife went home to her mother. 9" more predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

(Author Unknown)

Have a history teacher explain this if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."

Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the "kicker":

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

AND...................:

Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse...

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater...
I saw this had to share just in case anyone did not know.

Simple idea for kids

 

Always looking for new ideas to entertain the grandkids! This is something they can help do and have fun with it as well. Who knows how it tastes though??

CHICKEN CORDON BLEU CASSEROLE

1 lb. Pasta (I used penne-you could use any fun shaped pasta) 
1 cup Chicken Breasts, cooked and cubed 
1 cup Ham, cooked and cubed 
1 1/2 cups Milk 8 oz. Cream Cheese (softened) 
2 Tbsp. Dried Minced Onion 
2 cups Swiss Cheese, shredded 
Salt, Pepper, Cayenne Pepper 
1 cup Panko Crumbs 
1/2 cup Butter, melted 

 Bring a large pot of water to a boil over med-high heat. Salt it and add the pasta; cook until al dente (about 11 minutes-I used whole wheat pasta which takes a bit longer than regular pasta). Drain and return to the pot. Add in the chicken and ham and toss to combine. Preheat the broiler. In a medium saucepan, combine the milk, cream cheese and minced onion over low-medium heat. Cook, stirring frequently, until it becomes a smooth texture (about 5 minutes). Stir into the pasta mixture. Stir in the Swiss cheese and season with salt and pepper to taste. Transfer pasta to a baking dish and top with Panko crumbs. Pour melted butter over crumbs and broil until browned (I gave it 4 minutes).

Retirement

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your bottom from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR - You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

Or you can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note: if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



OR - You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. (another Ed. Note: it
is called "hot dish")

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.


Or - You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob,
Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Linda Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference, too.

Or - You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Or - You can retire to the central Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"



OR - FINALLY

You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people!

Lazy Eggs

Here’s what you do:

1) Spray each muffin well with nonstick spray.
2) Place a slice of ham in the bottom of each muffin well.
3) Place about a teaspoon or so of diced tomatoes on top of the ham.
4) Sprinkle some shredded cheddar cheese over the tomatoes.
5) Break one egg into each spot.
6) Sprinkle a little bit of salt and pepper on each.
7) Bake at 180/350 degrees for 18-20 minutes or until the yolks are as firm as you desire and the whites are cooked through.

For all of you who Grew up in the late 40's 50's and early 60's

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born, Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.
We looked for romance, and waited for our Prince, Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three, Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me. We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go, At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead, And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led. And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees, Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free, And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me. We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag, And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea, And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

T-Birds came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks, And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee, And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues, We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say, And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A. They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans, And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be, Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Do NOT Use Shampoo In The Shower !

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!! It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

THIS STORY IS SURE TO BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE OF ANY DOG LOVER.

If you have time please read this heartwarming story and share it with others. They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street. But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did. But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner. See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike. I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice." ____________ _________ _________ _________ To Whomever Gets My Dog: Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. He knew something was different. So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you. First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful. Don't do it by any roads. Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel." He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business. Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand. He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows. Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially. And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive. I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with .. and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word. Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me. If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades. All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth. Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me. Thank you, Paul Mallory ____________ _________ _________ _______ I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer. I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog. "Hey, Tank," I said quietly. The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright. "C'mere boy." He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered. His tail swished. I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him. "It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek. "So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again. "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?" Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

Repost of a very nice poem

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep. I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear, "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here." I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me. I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care. I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me." You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew... In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning." And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me. Author ~ Sammie Klaehn

The Way-Back Attic

Who remembers these things? This was our idea of state of the art...look how far we have come!

Coinbase raises $25 Million

Looking for a payment processor to replace Payza with but worried about some startup pulling some shady shit? Coinbase just got backed by another huge silicon valley vc firm

Aside from the amazing round of funding (enough to deal with those pesky thinks like money transmitter licencing, etc) some interesting excerpts from the post:

"With this funding, Andreessen Horowitz’s Chris Dixon will join our board, along with Union Square Ventures’ Fred Wilson."

"Separately, we’re also very pleased to share that Gavin Andresen has joined Coinbase as an advisor. For those of you who don’t know him, Gavin is the head developer of Bitcoin as an open source software project."

http://blog.coinbase.com/post/69775463031/coinbase-raises-25-million-from-andreessen-horowitz

Do not take her for granted!

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?... ''Yes," was his incredulous reply.. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

A sweet lesson on patience.

A NYC Taxi driver wrote:

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.